An Alphabet of Lord of the Rings
by reader13lovesbooks
Summary: Hi, kids! Today, we’re going to go through Lord of the Rings, A to Z!...Seriously. Forgive me if I use this as an opportunity to vent about certain pests roaming fandom coughMary-Suescough .


An Alphabet of Lord of the RIngs

Disclaimer: Don't own Lord of the Rings.

Summary: Hi, kids! Today, we're going to go through Lord of the Rings, A to Z!

**Okay, just to let you know – this was inspired by A Mary-Sue Alphabet and A is for Annabeth. If this sounds familiar, you probably read those first. Those are funnier than this one. And I did base it on their style of writing – because it works. Mistakes may be found, because I needed it to go with the rhyme. And yes, it may remind you of some stupid little kid show. Remember – **

**PARODY.**

**P-A-R-O-D-Y.**

_**PARODY.**_

**PARODY.**

**That's for you people who don't bother looking at the genres (and have no sense of humor).**

A is for Aragorn  
And yes, he's a Ranger!  
He's a VERY important guy,  
And he's almost always in danger.  
He's waited for Arwen  
For MANY, MANY years  
He's never going for a Sue  
And he doesn't fall for tears.  
He's the heir of Isildur  
So he's going to be king.  
He does not have a sister  
Who completely resists the Ring.

B is for Boromir  
He is a warrior and very brave.  
But at Amon Hen, alas,  
Him they couldn't save.  
He is not a misogynist  
And he isn't a big brute.  
He doesn't want to kiss a Sue  
I think he'd rather puke.  
He does not hate his brother,  
And he thinks the hobbits are cool.  
He's a captain, and he's smart.  
He is not dumb or a fool.

C is for Curunir  
Saruman, some say  
The White, or of Many Colors,  
Not Brown or Blue or Gray.  
He wasn't always evil  
He was good once upon a time  
It was only quite recently  
That he committed a crime  
He was one of the Istari  
Which means he always looked old  
Hoping he wouldn't be corrupted  
And not want that Ring of gold.

D is for dwarf  
Gimli is one of them.  
He's handy and tells jokes  
He's not stupid or grim.  
He does not stalk Galadriel  
He just fawns over her  
The rumor he sailed West  
Is quite another matter.  
He's not always muddy or dirty  
I'm sure he likes to be clean.  
He doesn't hate everything  
And he's not very mean.

E is for Éowyn  
She doesn't want to be in a cage.  
She's a warrior, yes, but also a lady  
She doesn't go into spontaneous rage.  
She doesn't hate being proper  
She just prefers being more free.  
She doesn't live on her horse  
Though riding does give her glee.  
She's gotten over Aragorn  
She loves Faramir now  
If some Sue tried to get him  
Éowyn would have a real cow.

F is for Faramir  
Not only can he fight,  
But he's also a scholar  
And really quite bright.  
His father does love him  
He doesn't beat him sore  
It's just that, truthfully,  
He likes Boromir more.  
If you want to go by the book,  
His hair is not red  
I believe it is raven  
Yes, Tolkien said!

G is for Gollum  
Some say he looks atrocious  
He's gotten quite insane  
Looking for his Precious.  
He was once a good guy  
But the Ring got to him, too  
Having it back  
Is all he wants to do.  
He's managed to trick Frodo  
He's never liked Sam.  
He bit off Frodo's finger  
That's really just – damn!

H is for hobbit  
That's what Frodo is!  
He's a complicated guy,  
And his last name is Baggins.  
He's felt rather angsty  
Ever since he got stabbed  
He wants to sail West  
Or he'll always feel sad.  
Just because he's short  
Doesn't mean he's a kid.  
They got a young actor (but not THAT young)  
That's what they did.

I is for Istar  
Also called wizard  
Gandalf's one, don't make him mad  
Or he'll turn you into a lizard.  
Even though he's been promoted  
He hasn't got infinite power  
He can't make giant fireballs  
Or turn an Orc army into flowers.  
But he's not a mean old geezer  
He can be quite nice  
But, unfortunately, in Moria  
That's when he paid the price.

J is for J.R.R. Tolkien  
He made up Middle-earth and hobbits  
But he only claims that  
He just translated it.  
He was a professor  
He fought in World War Two.  
He was a very educated guy  
What was your first clue?  
On his wife's epitaph is 'Lúthien'  
And on his is 'Beren.'  
He considers his most important work  
A book called 'The Silmarillion'.

K is for king  
In Gondor there had been none  
Until Aragorn came along  
After the war was done.  
In Rohan it was Théoden  
But at Pelennor, he died  
So Éomer took over  
With Lothíriel as his bride.  
Now I really don't know  
If Harad had one, too  
Since I'm not sure  
I'll leave that up to you.

L is for Legolas  
Now I feel really sorry for him.  
In fanfic, Suethors have him fall for anyone  
That really sounds quite dim.  
He's a few thousand years old  
He won't fall for a teenage girl  
If I have to read another one of those stories  
I really think I'm going to hurl.  
And to all you slash writers,  
Legolas is so not gay  
None of the elves are  
Didn't you hear Tolkien say?

M is for Meriadoc  
But 'Merry' he is called.  
After he drank some Ent draught  
He became quite tall.  
He rode into battle  
With a soldier named 'Dernhelm'  
He helped Éowyn slay the Witch-King  
And became famous throughout the realm.  
He helped lead the Battle of Bywater  
I loved reading that part  
When they took down the bandits  
And Gríma the Wart.

N is for Nazgûl  
Nasty things they are.  
They tried to kill the hobbits  
At Barliman's bar.  
They're bad enough on horses  
But now they can fly!  
If they come across you alone  
Well… you die.  
The Witch-King of Angmar  
Is the worst one of all  
Let's just hope that  
He flies into a wall.

O is for Orc  
They smell pretty bad  
In my opinion, most are stupid  
Now that's just quite sad.  
They work for Sauron  
And nearly anything they eat.  
And at Pelennor Fields  
They were very hard to beat.  
I'm not sure about this  
But apparently, elves they used to be.  
How does an elf become an Orc?  
Yeah, that I still can't see.

P is for Pippin  
I really love this guy.  
He'll eat nearly anything  
From cabbages to pie.  
But sometimes, you know  
I really wish he'd shut up.  
Next time he's in the town of Bree,  
He needs to get a smaller beer cup.  
In the movie he's played  
By an actor named Billy.  
He's pretty cool, too  
Making Pippin quite silly.

Q is for question  
Gandalf thinks some hobbits are too curious  
Now don't ask too many  
Or he just might get furious.  
Q is also for quest  
That's why the Fellowship was made  
They had to destroy the Ring  
Or Rivendell would Mordor raid.  
Q is also for quick  
If anyone's too slow  
Then it's quite easy for them  
To receive a death blow.

R is for Rivendell  
That's where Elrond dwells  
It's quite nice, but even there  
All is not well.  
It's also called Imladris  
And a good place to rest  
But still many of the elves  
Are going to sail West.  
I'm not sure of the relationship  
With another elf realm, Mirkwood  
But for the sake of everyone,  
I hope that it's good.

S is for Samwise  
But you can call him Sam.  
His father is named Hamfast  
But you can call him Ham.  
He does NOT like Frodo that way  
He gets married to Rosie.  
If you still think that way,  
Go take a nap or a dozey.  
Sam is a gardener  
He likes planting stuff.  
Like most hobbits, he smokes pipeweed  
Which is most certainly not snuff.

T is for Treebeard  
If you didn't know, he's an Ent.  
He is not a talking tree  
He's a tree-herder, Tolkien meant.  
The sad thing is that  
The Entwives are lost  
So there can be no Entings  
Trees they'll never live amongst.  
If you come across him in the dark,  
It must be quite creepy.  
But when you get to know him, he's not bad  
Just makes you rather sleepy.

U is for Undómiel  
Arwen made a large sacrifice  
She got to live with her love  
But it was at a big price.  
Her ancestor was Tinúviel  
And they shared the same fate  
To fall in love with a Man  
Two of the greatest love stories to date.  
So she married her love  
And became a queen  
But she lost her father,  
Who sailed over the sea.

V is for Valar  
Manwë, Varda, Ulmo, Tulkas, Yavanna,  
Aulë, Estë, Oromë, Vairë, Nessa,  
Mandos, Lórien, Vána, and Nienna.  
They're very powerful spirits,  
But they are not gods.  
That title belongs to Ilúvatar,  
Who doesn't do much, for good or bad odds.  
The Valar founded Valinor,  
Where the elves want to go  
And leave their lives behind,  
Shedding their sorrows and woes.

W is for Wargs  
The Wolves of Isengard  
They're rather dangerous (and ugly)  
And I'm sure their heads are pretty hard.  
In the book, they attacked at Moria  
Using trees, Gandalf set them on fire!  
I must say, I wish I had seen that  
It must've been quite a funeral pyre.  
In the movie, it was on the way to Helm's Deep  
Aragorn fell off a cliff!  
But he didn't die, that's a relief  
Though the Wargs must've been miffed.

X is for Xcalibur  
…Oh, wait, that's not right…  
Oops, wrong story. My bad!  
Okay, okay, spelled it wrong, too, alright?  
And while we're on the topic of swords  
Aragorn has Andúril, quite a neat one!  
It used to be called Narsil  
But that's all said and done.  
So in Middle-earth  
Swords are much needed.  
If you're in battle without one,  
You're easily defeated.

Y is for yawning  
It shows that you're tired.  
The strange thing with elves  
Is that sleep isn't required.  
In their memories and dreams  
Is where they get their rest.  
So that's how they seem  
To always be at their best.  
And can you imagine –  
They don't have to close their eyes!  
But it must be creepy for someone  
To see that before sunrise.

Z is for Zealand, New  
It's where they filmed the movie.  
Mountains and greenery  
That must've been a sight to see!  
From Gondor to Rohan,  
From Bree to the Shire  
They needed lots of props  
And people to hire.  
It was hard, but they did it!  
And it made a lot of people happy.  
But I'm sure after it was done  
They took a nice, long nappy.

Now it's time to say goodbye.  
Sayonara, shalom, zai jian,  
Au revoir and namárië,  
Not to mention auf wiedersehen.  
Remember arrivederci,  
La revedere, adios,  
There's also tot ziens,  
Ha det and adeus.  
Sbohem and näkemiin,  
I bid you adieu,  
Güle güle,  
And last of all – see you!

**Well... Not much to say. Except that the original is A Mary-Sue Alphabet (Harry Potter), and another that inspired me was A is for Annabeth (Percy Jackson). My personal favorite is G - no particular reason, I just think Gollum's cool. Any mistakes you see were probably made to fit with the rhyme. If you have a better word or line for one of them and you're okay with me using it instead, just let me know.**

**Thank you for surviving my horrendous poetry. I congratulate you for not killing yourself by letter K. Thanks for reading!  
**


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